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Bayonetta Poster

Poster for the DVD release of Bayonetta by Tobbii Karlsson.


Bayonetta: The Movie is a Willem Dafoe movie pitch in which Willem Dafoe plays the titular character, Bayonetta. Created by Jim Sterling in (Podtoid 219), he thought he was on to a winner despite videogame movies not being too successful.

PlotEdit

Bayonetta (Willem Dafoe) is walking around with her guns declaring that she is, in fact, Bayonetta. After spontaneously giving an old man (probably played by Frank Langella) a rather long and sloppy kiss, she continues to dance around firing her guns in the air to the Mexican hat song.

Hair quickly and suddenly grows out of Bayonetta's back, into her anus and out of her mouth. As it does, poo splashes everywhere, coating the walls and ceiling of the white room in which she is stood.

She leaves the newly painted room an enters another white room in which Danny DeVito is stood. DeVito immediately screams and claims that he is the devil. They promptly start kissing, trading a ball of poo that Bayonetta had in her mouth. Bayonetta declares that she is still Bayonetta as hair quickly grows out of her back an up DeVito's bottom. The hair shoots out of DeVito's mouth and covers the walls and ceiling in his brown. Bayonetta identifies, for the audience, that two rooms have now been decorated with poo before walking away. She notices some blood in the corner which could be a sign of cancer or hemorrhoids. She alerts DeVito to this and they decide to go and see a doctor.

Bayonetta and DeVito hold hands as they skip down a yellow brick road all the way to the doctor's office to find out if DeVito has hemeroids. The doctor (who does not introduce himself as Brendan Fraser) seemingly performs some tests on DeVito that, to his horror, reveal he has hemorrhoids.

Bayonetta, DeVito and Fraser all hold hands and continue skipping down the yellow brick road. As they do, they come across Deborah Messing who claims to need courage. Bayonetta invites Messing to join them as they've just decided to visit the Wizard of Oz.

The crew enter the Emerald City and stand before the Wizard's big head (also Willem Dafoe). The Wizard tells the gang that he is the Wizard of Oz and that they need to kill the Wicked Witch of the West. Should they kill her, the Wizard will give Bayonetta a mop to clean the poo off of the walls of her white room, cure DeVito of his hemorrhoids  bestow Messing with courage, and give Fraser Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh.

They find the Wicked Witch of the West (Hugo Weaving) who promptly throws a rock directly at Fraser. Fraser points this out to the others but doesn't manage to dodge the rock which hits him square in the face. The rock causes his head to explode and a thousand worms to pour out of his neck instead of blood. Bayonetta calls for everyone to save Fraser by grabing a handfull of worms and keeping them up their asses. Unfortunately for DeVito, doing this causes him intense pain. Bayonetta realises, from listening to the Wicked Witches laughter, that DeVito's hemorrhoids ave become infected with worms. This is fatal to DeVito who dies and withers away and dies. At this point, Messing turns inside out and reveals that she is actually Cillian Murphy before exploding.

Bayonetta pulls a cheescake out from under her armpit which she shares with the Wicked Witch. Bayonetta mentions that, as a fellow witch (not because someone pointed it out), this was the outcome she wanted all along. The camera then zooms right into Bayonetta's cheescake filled mouth as she laughs.

CharactersEdit

Willem Dafoe plays Bayonetta, a sassy, gun wielding, english accented, witch wearing a suit of her own hair.

Danny DeVito plays himself but with hemorrhoids.

Brendan Fraser plays a scottish version of himself as a doctor that diagnoses DeVito with hemorrhoids.

Cillian Murphy plays a version of himself that has the ability to turn inside out. He spends the majority of the film disguised as a courageless Deborah Messing.

Hugo Weaving plays the insane Wicked Witch of the West with an affinity for cheesecake.

SoundtrackEdit

The music that plays occasionally throughout the film is one of Jim's own unique writing. It's performed by Jim himself to the instrumental from La Roux's single, In For The Kill.

Doing it for the hairy suit.
Doing it for the hairy poo.
Harry and the hendersons.
Arriba, arriba.
Doing it for the snowball poo.
Doing it for having a kiss with Danny DeVito.
Doing it for Danny DeVito's poo.
Doing it for the hairy poo.
Doing it for the doctor.
Doing it to see if its hemorrhoids.
Doing it, it might be cancer which is serious.
He's Bayonetta.
Doing it for ruffage.
Danny DeVito's got hemorrhoids.
We're doing it for the wizard,
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.
We're doing it for the wicked witch of the west,
So that Brendan Fraser can get his AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH.
Doing it for your worm ass.
Doing it for the cheesecake.
Hugo Weaving's eating cheesecake.
Bayonetta.

QuotesEdit

Bayonetta as she catches a drop of poo on her tongue: "I can taste my own hair-poo!"

Bayonetta after giving DeVito a hair-colonoscopy: "Now two rooms are brown with poo."

Bayonetta after spotting blood in DeVito's stool: "Danny DeVito, you've got blood in your stool. That might be a sign of cancer or hemorrhoids. Both of which are very very serious. I'm Bayonetta."

Danny DeVito: "Oh you're Bayonetta but I might have hemorrhoids or cancer. Both of which should be checked out by a doctor."

Bayonetta after finding out DeVito has hemorrhoids: "Well maybe you shouldn't have fucked your ass."

Danny DeVito: "I guess you're right and I could do with eating more ruffage."

Deborah Messing after meeting Bayonetta and crew: "Put em up. put up ya dukes. I needs courage I tells ya. I needs courage."

Brendan Fraser as a rock is thrown at him: "Oh my god! She's thrown a witch's rock at us!"

Cillian Murphy after revealing his true identity: "I'm Cillian Murphy! I'm Cillian Murphy!"

Bayonetta: "Well, When in Rome, eat cheesecake."

TriviaEdit

In order to play the role of Bayonetta, Dafoe was given a behive hairdo and wore the body suit from Harry and the Hendersons and a bra.

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