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Ill Photograph Your Ass

Brendan Fraser is an actor, the second most mentioned actor on New Podtoid after Willem Dafoe. He is usually coupled up (by Jim Sterling) with Debra Messing to the rest of the hosts' dismay.

While he has not reached Dafoe levels of recognition, he has been in several feature film productions thus far.

Brendan Fraser Movie PitchesEdit

Being John Malkovich II: District Dafoe (Podtoid 193: Transgenderistism)Edit

"In the far future of 2014, New York City has been wiped out by a 200 year long nuclear war. The citizens are mutants and people are dying of raditation. Until, a mysterious man with a vision builds a city far above the wastes of New York. The city is supported by four limbs, for indeed the city is a giant steel Willem Dafoe. The head says 'Ehhhhh, Ehhhhh. I'm Willem Dafoe'. For indeed, many migrated up the elevator along Willem Dafoe's left leg into his bum. And they repopulate the world there. For a while everyone is happy by the mysterious benefactor, who only appears with a cloth over his head (not at all like Cobra Commander) who speaks with an altered voice recorder.
"He tells them to live and can keep living in District Dafoe must not violate the five rules. Trouble is, no one told anyone what the rules were, and soon there is Government oppresion from the Dafoebots, an army of policing robots that look like Willem Dafoe with spinning heads going 'EHHHH'. The freedom fighters are led by Brendan Fraser, who is joined by Harry Potter, played by Daniel Radcliffe. The sexy starlet of the film is played by Debra Messing, who, like all first time troublemakers in District Dafoe, has a pair of tits drawn on her forehead with permanent marker: a curvy 'w' for Willem and an infinity symbol to represent eternal punishment with two dots in the middles. Second time offenders get thrown out of Willem Dafoe's butt to fall to their deaths. Instead, because it so nuclear, people mutate on the fall down, turning into screaming squids which congregate in the air around District Dafoe. The freedom fighters fight the Dafoebots, liberate the people, and break into the citadel of the mysterious benefactor. They spin the chair around and take his hood off....fuck, it's Willem Dafoe (who we all thought were dead). He says 'Nooo, I didn't dieeee'. Then the credits roll with the theme from American Beauty" - Jim Sterling

Look Who's Talking IV: Baby's Day Out To Hell in 3D (Podtoid 195: Screaming Willem Dafoe Sperm)Edit

"Brendan Fraser and Debra Messing have had baby and have the perfect life. They are both stock brokers, they have picturesque house and have a pomegranate dog. They alternate time off work to look after the baby. One night, Brendan Fraser is awoken up by a voice that says 'Hey. Hey you'. He looks around their room and sees his baby stood upright holding the bars of the cot. Willem Dafoe's face is now the baby's face, on a newborn baby's body. He says 'Hey daddy. I need you to steal for me'. He wakes up and thinks it was a dream.
"Next night, 'Hey, fucker egg!' Brendan Fraser looks up and his baby says 'Yeah, daddy boy, this ain't no dream. I'm an evil baby! and I need you steal for me!' as it turns out over the course of this film that this baby is no dream; it is an evil baby that only Brendan Fraser can see Willem Dafoe's face on. And as the film goes on, the baby keeps the face and gets Brendan Fraser to steal (not a lot of) drugs for it under the threat of 'I'm gonna stab your little  wifey in the cunt if you don't steal cough medicine for me!'.
"Eventually, the crimes escalate until the baby orders 'Kill for me!' which eventually ends with him slitting the dog's throat and burning the body.  Eventually they meet the Chinese man from Gremlins who tells them that a curse has been placed on Brendan Fraser. He has to perform an exorcism on top of a cliff and the baby attacks him. Eventually he kicks the baby over him onto the cliff where the baby is holding on. After a call for help, Brendan Frasier grabs the baby's hand and comforts the baby as he's about to pull him up. The baby laughs and pulls a knife from its diaper and tries to stab Brendan Fraser in the hand and he lets go. The baby falls back in slow motion going 'Ehhhhh, I'll see your wife's cunt in hell!'.
"Debra Messing escapes from her capture and sacrifice and starts crying with relief. Brendan Fraser starts to comfort his wife when he hears a voice. He looks down and really starts panicking for the voice is Willem Dafoe inside of him. He starts panicking and screaming, he pulls down his pants and underwear and penis is fully erect. It points up at him and a huge amount of spunk spurts out of his penis and the spunk shoots directly at the camera. And just as it's about hit the camera, you can see Willem Dafoe's face in it screaming, with the implication that no matter how many babies Brendan Fraser has, they will all be evil Willem Dafoe babies." - Jim Sterling

The Taste of Crime (Podtoid 200: Gay Sex Orgy Nightmare)Edit

"Willem Dafoe plays the tounge arm of the law, Sergeant Lick who has a superpower he got after licking a radioactive ice cream. He has the power to taste crimes with his radioactive, augmented tongue. When they catch criminals, he can tell if they're innocent or gulity by licking their face and tasting the guilt and all details of the crime. A suspect named Johnny, played by Brendan Fraser, is questioned by Police but upon interrogation by Dafoe loses his last lick of freedom as Willem Dafoe grabs him by the ears and licks him long and hard from his chin over his lips to his forehead up to his hair going 'Uaaaaaaaaaaa, sexed a baby! Throw him in the jail'.
"A bad thing has happened. Osama Bin Laden has come to town in his giant Turban Helicopter, played by Gene Simmons who is all browned up. He threatens to blow up New York if he doesn't get given $1000. The Mayor of NYC is stopped from delivering by Willem Dafoe who says 'Don't you dare, something tastes bad of crime, and I'm gonna..lick it'. He spends his way licking his way through the criminal underworld. He interogates Osama-look alikes from the street. He licks his way through Al Qaeda to find where he is, for every lick he takes takes him one step closer. In Time Square (again), they confront each other, and before Willem Dafoe can do anything, Bin Laden smears peanut butter on his face and obscures his flavor, negating his superpower as he walks away backwards.
"Willem Dafoe can't find him and licks random passers bys to no avail. Bin Laden taunts him saying 'I'm over here!'. Finally, it rains, and Bin Laden holds his face saying 'Ahh, no' for ten minutes. And then Willem Dafoe says 'My tongue is picking something up!' as he swims through a sea of people using his tongue. He grabs Bin Laden and proceeds to lick his face off. Bin Laden says with his final breath 'I AM A SKELINGTON!' and grows bone wings and flies into the sun. Just before the credits roll, Willem Dafoe looks into the sun with the subtitle 'Don't worry kids, it's safe to do this' and he says to his sidekicks, played by David Hyde Pierce and iCarly, 'I'm going to lick the sun'." - Jim Sterling

The Crucifixion of Mary J. Blige (Podtoid 202: Your Humble Anal Caretaker)Edit

"The film starts with the Last Supper of Mary J. Blige, played by Tia and Tamera from Sister, Sister, as she talks to her disciples. There is a Spooky Devil played by Melissa Joan Hart with a moustache with devil written on it with red paint. She keeps pointing at Mary saying 'Ahh, eat some bread'. Mary doesn't know that her freind Hodas played by Malcolm Mcdowell is traitorous. Danny DeVito and Brendan Fraser wearing giant noses with big beards (not jewish) and big tall hats eating bagels saying 'We will kill this Mary J. Blidge, bleeehh'.
"Mary J. Blige is arrested by The Roman, played by John Cusack and Nicolas Cage. She is dragged through the streets whist being yelled by the peasants questioning her status. She is dragged before Pontius Pilate, played by Tobey Maguire, saying 'I will not kill you Mary K. Blidge' and he whips her with a big stick whist the not Jewish people watch. They drag her again through the street whist Tobey Maguire pissed down the stairs. Mary says to Peter played by Rutger Hauer 'Surely thoust must recognize me?' but he says he doesn't and turns away. A rooster played by and Macy Grey and Mary J. Blige is also there. They drag her up to the Crucifix, nail her in, and place a Crown of Thorns on her head.
"And then she dies with her last breath 'Oh, bollocks' as they stick a stick in her stomach and weeds grow out of her stomach and say 'The boy king is dead'. And then the camera turns around from the front of Mary J. Blidge and it turns out that the Crucifix is played by Willem Dafoe who says 'I killed your friend Mary J. Blige and now I'm going to kill you too! EHHHH' and the camera zooms in his mouth and the credits roll' - Jim Sterling

I Sing a Song of Spiders (Podtoid 208: It's Covered in Weeping Sores)Edit

"Willem Dafoe is the lead singer in the most popular high school band called 'The Awesome Best Band Yes Them'. All the Seventeen year old girls are in love with this hot, science major stud who is also well good at football. He is in the band with Steve Buscemi on lead guitar, Gary Oldman on rhythmn, Gary Busey and Tyler Perry as Mabel "Madea" Simmons on drums. One day, Willem Dafoe while doing science at school, is bitten by a radioactive spider and he says 'Ah, it's like Spider-Man' and he shakes it off. He's fine. But one day, when they get their first big gig in Sunnydale (this is a crossover and prequel with the Buffy the Vampire Slayer universe). Willem Dafoe is about to sing Venga Boy's Boom Boom I want you in my Room. He opens his mouth to sing, but dozens and dozens of spiders fly out of his mouth and into other people's faces. And they're breath in and go 'Uhhgarr' whist Willem Dafoe keeps singing. Steve Busemi is like 'What the fuck!?' and Madea is like 'Oh ma gad, I can't believe what you're doing with those spiders, ya prick!'.
Willem Dafoe realises he has a great gift, he can sing just regular type spiders (loads of them!). The moral of the film is 'With great power, comes great trying to work out how to use the power of singing spiders'. They're gearing up for battle of the bands, they're going up aganist the evil band called 'The Evil Band' which is led by Danny DeVito, Weird Al Yankovic and Brendan Fraser who play on bat-shaped guitars. Willem Dafoe realizes he has this blessing and is confining in his girlfriend played by iCarly. So Willem Dafoe, is sat at the end of the bed in his boxer briefs, you can see his bacon flesh. 'Oh, iCarly. I can sing spiders' he says intimately 'I've got eight-legged vocal cords and there's nothing I can do. I've gotta use my gift for good.' She says 'I know you will do it Willem Dafoe's character. You will work it out. Now let us make a love'.
He starts kissing iCarly in slow motion while emotional music (the Terminator music) plays with scenes of Willem Dafoe on top of iCarly going 'Uarrrrr'. Then there's a scene of them clutching hands on top of the bed sheets, his wrinky veiny hands and her small hands. Half way through, we see Steve Busemi at the high school urinal with his penis out, we hear the tinkle. He says 'Fargo was a good film. Wait a minute my penis was an octopus'. And then Willem Dafoe finishes 'Ohh, oh fuck' and then he falls back, a vein in his head very prominent. And then she plays with his erect nipple and says 'Sing me a song like you did in the olden days'. He goes 'Uaaaarr' and then a cat-sized bleeding black widow comes out of his mouth and crawls in her mouth and she swallows it. Using CGI, her neck expands and then the word 'Metaphor' flashes on screen because it is a metaphor for love. It's covered in weeping swores. She says 'I love you' and he says 'Spiders' and then the credits roll and that's the end of the movie." - Jim Sterling

The Party Flower (Podtoid 209: Toxic Love Holes)Edit

"Brendan Fraser plays Adam Shoestring, who has just gotten a new job at an advertising agency, he's a struggling artist. He works for the Clamp Company. He designs new buildings and adverts for products. He has one thing that causes a creative block, he needs plant life, because that gives him inspiration. He's just moved into a cubicle, he needs a plant quick, he runs out of the building and goes to a Chinese store and thinks they might have plants in there. He sees a Chinese man played by Cheech Marin who says 'Hey man, I've got some plants to sell you, man. I've got flower'. It's a little yellow flower in a pit, and Brendan Fraser thinks it's perfect and asks how much for it. Cheech says 'For you, nawting!'. So Brendan Fraser takes it back to the office and puts it on his desk and starts working.
Suddenly he hears a little noice 'Hey'. He looks around, sees nothing. 'Hey' the flower has stood up and the stigma of the flower is now a yellow Willem Dafoe face looking at him. 'Hey, Adam Shoestring. I'M DANCING!' as the flower shakes from side-to-side and is just playing some Love Today by Mika while still going 'I'M DANCING! I'M DANCING!' constantly. Brendan Fraser says 'Shut up! I can't let the bosses see you!' and he puts him in the drawer and you can still here the muffled nosies. Cheech Marin can't take the flower back, so Brendan Fraser takes it home and feeds it yoghurt. The film is Brendan Fraser taking the flower to and from work, constantly hiding it. He hides it from his bosses, his girlfriend and the vicar. Everytime, when they vaguely hear the flower, Brendan Fraser has to start dancing while saying 'I'M DANCING!' to cover up and they tell him to get back to work." - Jim Sterling

I'll Photograph Your Ass (Podtoid 210: I'm Nightwing & I'm Gonna Sex You With My Penis)Edit

"Brendan Fraser plays Brendan Fraser, a hot, upcoming Hollywood talent. Everyone wants him to play the next big stuff. Brendan Fraser has trouble on the horizon, in the form of a paparazzi photographer called Beanie Tuesday, played by Willem Dafoe. Brendan Fraser has a happy life, he is married to Debra Messing has a baby played by Gilbert Gottfried.Willem Dafoe is out to ruin Brendan Fraser's career by taking a photograph of his ass thus proving to Hollywood and his loyal fans that he has an ass. High speed car chases ensue with Willem Dafoe on a bicycle with a handycam trying to photograph his ass. At a McDonalds drive through Willem Dafoe appears at the window saying 'Here's your fries, would you like a PHOTO OF YOUR ASS WITH THAT!?'. Brendan Fraser smashes through the McDonalds causing a lot of human damage (but it's okay since he's the protagonist).
Eventually Brendan Fraser crashes and starts jumping from roof to roof on top of cars. At one point he high-fives Danny DeVito hanging from lamp post. Mark Wahlberg says 'Quick! Jump on my back!' which Brendan Fraser does and digs into his ribs. After objection from Mark Wahlberg, he throws Brendan Fraser off and he falls into the famous New York Swamp. He crawls out and grabs hold of what he thinks is a tree branch which is actually Willem Dafoe's leg. Brendan Fraiser admits to his fate, with Debra Messing screaming in the background, Brendan Frasier drops his pants and Y-fronts, bends over pulls his cheeks apart and tells Willem Dafoe to look in for a closer look. Willem Dafoe bends over and looks right into the hole of it. Just then, a horse flies out of Brendan Fraser's ass with horse noises or James Earl Jones' voice saying 'Fuck off' kicking Willem Dafoe out of a building with footage of Alan Rickman falling out of building with Willem Dafoe saying 'You haven't seen the last of me and my camera that's going to photograph your ass'. He falls into a truck filled with asses as Willem Dafoe says 'Asses! Asses! The Irony!' and the truck passes a sign saying '5000 miles to never coming back again' and Brendan Frasier says 'Ass not very likely photograph of it 'Hey Benny! Looks like you're on the wrong side of the river!' and then the credits roll." - Jim Sterling

Bayonetta: The Movie (Podtoid 219: You're Bayonetta, But I've Got Hemorrhoids)Edit

"Willem Dafoe stars as the titular 'Bayonetta, the' sexy witch who's outfit is made of his own hair that comes out of his anus and mouth. He joins up with Danny DeVito who probably has cancer or something serious like that. Eventually there's poo everywhere and Hugo Weaving eats Cheesecake." - Jim Sterling

101 Dalmatians (Podtoid 222: Weird Hairless Chicken-Babies)Edit

"Two dalmatians, played by Danny DeVito and Barbara Streisand, give birth to one-hundred and one Willem Dafoe dalmatians. The owners, Brendan Fraser and Weird Al Yankovic, must sell them to Cruellem Dafoe, who plans to use the puppies' asses to make a Dalmatian ass-coat."


Blue Eye in the Brown Eye (Podtoid 229: Murderous Techno-Snail Hybrids)Edit

"A crooked lawyer played by Brendan Fraser discovers a magical eye living inside his anus, played by Willem Dafoe. The eye possesses the ability to speak and predict the deaths of all those who gaze upon it, as Fraser and his celebrity friends, including Danny DeVito and Steve Buscemi, begin to understand as they are picked off one by one. Eventually Fraser realises the power of the eye, but in doing so fulfils the curse of the 'Ass Eye Lawyer's Ass Eye" and Willem Dafoe cosplaying as Rita Repulsa from Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers emerges from Fraser's gaping chungus hole. With  the curse lifted, Dafoe decides to conquer Earth, which is seen floating in the sky, the movie ends on this twist and a slow version of 'Go Go, Power Rangers' is played over the credit sequence." - Jim Sterling

TriviaEdit

  • Brendan Fraser was originally meant to star in Patch Adams Two but was replaced by Weird Al Yankovic.
  • Brendan Fraser and Weird Al Yankovic occasionally share an accent.

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