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A Gamecube being held as if it were crushing a snail.

Now and then on New Podtoid, Jonathan Holmes comes up with an idea for a commercial devoted to the Nintendo Gamecube, a console that did not live up to the hopes of its manufacturer. They're often grotesque or abstract in their conception, sometimes bordering on disgusting or surreal - not unlike the Willem Dafoe movie pitches, but by someone who's clearly spent too much time working at Jonathan Holmes' Hospital Of Monsters.

His reason for coming up with these commercials is that he wishes that Nintendo would have done something different with the marketing for the Gamecube, so that maybe it would have sold better. It's pure marketing dawg!

Despite Jim Sterling's claim that they  "would sell exactly zero Gamecubes," the commercials have had a positive effect on the decade old consoles sales. (see: Testimonials)

The CommercialsEdit

Boy in the Balloon (Podtoid 222)Edit

A boy is flying in a hot air baloon to the song Up, Up and Away performed by The Fifth Dimension. He then falls out of the balloon, breaking his neck. Voice over quickly shouts "Game Cube."

Gamecube Commercial "Satan" (Podtoid)00:50

Gamecube Commercial "Satan" (Podtoid)

Satan (Podtoid 222)Edit

A boy is sitting alone in a room, terrified. After some suspenseful fidgeting, the floorboards open up suddenly to reveal a firey, hellish pit from which Satan ascends and screams "Buy GameCube!"

This commercial was adapted (with slight alterations) into video-form by Tobbii Karlsson as a Holiday Gift to Jonathan Holmes. In the video Tobbii played both the boy and Satan. This video can be seen here to the left.

Old Man's Mouth (Podtoid 222)Edit

In the tooth of an old man, there is a cornfield. A scarecrow is playing a GameCube in the cornfield who says "it's pretty good!"

Workout (Podtoid 223)Edit

Jonathan Holmes' Idea for a gamecube advert-004:04

Jonathan Holmes' Idea for a gamecube advert-0

Audio from the podcast in which Jonathan Holmes describes the 'Workout' commercial.

A cute, twelve-year-old boy is getting ready for a jog while Steppin' Out by Joe Jackson plays in the background. He is seen putting on sweatbands, shorts and shoes. He is also seen talking to his girlfriend on his smartphone to whom he says "Listen, I just can't talk right now. I gotta get in shape! Fitness is really important."

The boy goes out for a jog, waving to friends that he passes by when a GameCube flies out of nowhere and hits him in the face. Before he has time to react to what happened, he is pelted by a torrent of GameCubes which leave him unconcious. The screen fades to black and reads "Was it God or was it his neighbours?" followed by the GameCube logo.

Penisvaginaltitscube (Podtoid 224)Edit

This idea came to Jonathan while he was going to sleep even though he did not want it. It begins with text that says "In the old testement they explained the origin of the human species. First there was one gender: man. Then from man's rib came the female species: woman, Eve. But something they didn't tell you. There's a third gender." 

Acompanied by pictures, the origin of the third gender is explained. "Snooki from the Jersey Shore's spirit animal Consuelo has seven penises and they pulled off one penis and acrued the third gender: GAMECUBE!"

The word "penis" is displayed followed by the word "vagina" and ultimately the word "penisvaginaltitscube". A naked, computer generated version of Nicolas Cage appears anatomically correct apart from his penis having a vagina. His genitals morph into Gamecubes while Mortal Kombat style music plays. People are excited as the weird CG Nicolas Cage with Gamecube genitalia runs down the street. The commercial ends with "Cube = penileveginatits" displayed.

Snail Trails (Podtoid 229)Edit

This one stars snails and Artimus Hawkins. The snails get eaten by Artimus, but one snail survives and starts ranting about how horrible his life is. The snail gets yelled at by slugs talking about their gamerscores and Call of Duty. Then a Gamecube falls down from the sky and crushes the snail. Out of nowhere comes J D Roth talking about the Gamecube, and he tells kids that they should kill snails. The Gamecube then turns into a weird Murderous Techno-Snail Hybrid that kills J D Roth. Jim and Conrad are stunned.

TestimonialsEdit

On December 31'st 2012, Holmes took to twitter to ask how many people would buy a Gamecube based on his commercials alone. What follows are direct responses.

"my mind would have been Blown, and I would have bought a 2nd GameCube if I had seen your commercials, Jonathan." -styg_ian

"Penisvaginaltitscube would have had me queuing up to buy one." -tinyian

"I would totally buy a gamecube because of Holmes' commercials" -DanielGraham64

"I already got a Gamecube a decade ago, but I would buy another one if I saw your Gamecube commercials right away." -KStar_Runner

"(I would get one based on) the one where the kid gets hit to death with all the GameCubes." -WillyDubz

"lol if it were the techno snail one, totally." -artistxforever

"Well, that commercial just helped me decide what to get my brother for his birthday! Thanks! ^_^" -shrimptoast2

"I saw a boy fall out of a balloon and break his neck. The next day, I was playing Pikmin. I never looked back." -jebussaves88

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