Jonathan Holmes
New Podtoid Cast Member
Role Cast Member
Date Joined 3 May 2011
First episode Podtoid 149: Elusive Zazu

Jonathan Carl Holmes is an acclaimed psychiatristologist of pedophilia who practises at his Hospital Of Monsters in Boston, born on the 14th of December 1976. He has a habit of being late to the podcast, be it because of traffic, the Think Wrongs, or some other reason, such as murder. He considers watching the Claymation Christmas Celebration (featuring the California Raisins) to be a similar experience to being injected with nightmare fluid, a substance he has experience administering to patients in his Hospital Of Monsters. He has also endured The Worst Handjob Ever. He enjoys spoiling video games and other media for people before people get to enjoy them.

Jonathan Holmes was the star on MTV's Road Rules 5: Northern Trail, alongside such memorable faces as Not Jonathan Holmes and Not Jonathan Holmes. He also was apart of the indie wrestling promotion Kaiju Big Battel for a time as various characters (he also knew the owner in college)

The ethnicity of Holmes is unknown and often speculated on. Holmes has been know to have odd and some times controversial views on many topics of discussion whether it be video games, how to deal with criminals or his views on all types of apples.

Holmes is generally popular within the Destructoid and Podtoid community and fanbase due to his hard-working attitude and general niceness in everything he does. His only nemesis is Colin Moriarty, who became the Moriarty to Holmes' Holmes upon learning that Jonathan was going to kill him with a knife. Later, it was concluded that there was a possibility that this could have been misinformation passed on by Jim Sterling after becoming inebriated on a single japanese beer.


Jonathan Holmes standing next to Not Jonathan Holmes

He is German and has the blood of German kings. His mother joined a cult after fleeing from the UK, where she fled to from Germany, with her brother (Jonathan's uncle) Hiney. He also has a brother who might kill Podtoid fans on sight. If he sees you, the best tactic is to say that you only listen to Sup, Holmes?.

His mom's name is Linda Holmes.

Life improvement effortsEdit

Main Article: Things to do with Jonathan Holmes for fun/profit/anus

Young Jonathan Holmes (Actual Photo).

Jonathan Holmes' co-hosts on Podtoid frequently suggest ways to make his life better. These ideas, taken broadly, comprise a recurring segment on the show which has been dubbed "Things to do with Jonathan Holmes for fun/profit/anus" by fans.

Often, these ideas involve Jonathan partaking in depraved acts for Jim Sterling's amusement/arousal, frequently under the pretense of some other ridiculous set of circumstances. One such example involved Jim tricking Jonathan into becoming a male prostitute by making him believe he was "Chicken Chungus: Vampire Hunter."  Jim justifies his suggestion of these ideas by stating that he wishes to turn Jonathan's life into an "experience."

Another running theme of the ideas include profit-oriented business ventures.  These are quite possibly the greatest moneymaking ideas of all time, however Jonathan refuses to see this. A prime example of Jonathan's negativity comes when Jim has the splendid idea to turn Jonathan's Boston home into a western-style saloon and brothel. Jonathan, failing to see Jim's brilliance, seems to think that this quite frankly genius idea may "kill them" or "land them in prison." Jonathan rarely sees the practicality of Jim's ideas and instead focuses on fantastically unlikely outcomes such as death, homelessness, and incarceration in a mental or correctional facility.


Trophy Moments with Holmes

Trophy Moments with Holmes

Holmes is very fond of baseball game shows.

According to his fans and admirers, his crimefighting abilities (as demonstrated with the The Baby Police) are second only to his umatched prowess at tumbling. These skills were demonstrated live on television at Val Kilmer's Black Dahlia Reveal Showdown , causing Bill O'Reilly to urinate in his trousers, and extensive analysis and admiration from the BBC.

He also enjoys playing Nintendo products, creating animations, and mutilating the genitals of inmates at his Hospital Of Monsters

One talent fans of podtoid didn't know was his special ability to inflict himself in to celebrities life's only for him to murder them from within their own entourage. Certain conspiracy theorists (people who wear hats made out of tin foil) still think to this day that he Jonathan Holmes somehow killed Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston from within his Hospital Of Monsters. How he did this is still unknown to this day, with conspiracy theorists (people who wear hats made out of tin foil) not releasing any of their evidence.

Gamecube Commercial PitchesEdit

Main Article: Gamecube Commercials

Wishing to divulge his own non-banausic knowledge in the mind of madness, Holmes describes original advertisements for the Nintendo Gamecube console in a recurring segment.

Aliases/Titles for Jonathan Holmes:Edit

  • 30603-229623-ChickenChungusIIjpg-620x
    Luck Ass Pretty Boy Holme$ (Self-designated)
  • The Prophet Muhammad (Or Moham, though, if you're islamic, the last thing you want is mo' ham)
  • Yonatan Harlmes
  • Jim Sterling's Candy Girl
  • The Ethnicity
  • Foxathan Holmes
  • The John Lennon of Eating Poop
  • Eskimo Fuck
  • The Cat Pimp of Baltimore
  • Jonathan "Luxury" Holmes
  • Twigguns
  • New Cocoabama
  • Chungus, Son of Chungus
  • Jonathan Bones
  • The Rosa Parks of Penises
  • Professor Cockknowledge
  • Slinkerus Snunks
  • Boston's Favorite Son


    Jonathan Holmes's first musical appearance.

    Duncan & Cam III Springtime Adventure

    Duncan & Cam III Springtime Adventure

    Holmes has been on many zany adventures.

  • Grandpa Cola
  • Professor Pedophile
  • Tinker Train
  • Chicken Dinner
  • The Real Santa
  • Videogames' Spruce Penis
  • Milky Muscles
  • "The only one who talks about videogames"
  • Chicken Chungus
  • The Jar Jar Binks of Destructoid
  • Artimus Hawkins
  • Vladimir Putin
  • Coffee
  • Doctor Genital
  • Spidered-Man
  • Dr. Holmes: Medicine Woman
  • Inventor of Christmas
  • Father Christmas
  • Santa Clause
  • Perfect Pizza
  • Jonathan Holmes, The Greatest Fucking Mouse Detective
  • Dr. Freaky Constantina
  • Captain Crack Cocaine
  • The Acoustic Vulva
  • Shadowfax, lord of all horses
  • Queen of The Bruderhof
  • Little baby fart
  • Jonathan Glowmes
  • Jonathan Holmes: The Living Breakfast 
  • The All-American Boy Party
  • Jim's Sexy Idiot
  • The Haribo(y)
  • Brown Charlie
  • Vomatan Holmes
  • Mr. Handypants
  • Cyrus 2.0
  • Lovely Little Crocodile
  • Yarn-Bitch
  • Chris Brown
  • The Spirit of the Party
  • Jonathan Holmes: The Spirit of the Party
  • Pope Spunky Biscuits
  • Onion Joseph
  • Sweet Baby Biscuits 
  • Jonathous Homomelonus: The Grand Pumbaa
  • Bare Knuckle
  • Chef
  • Head Chungus
  • Mr. DicFriend
  • Jonaflan Holmes
  • Jonny Pissfingers
  • Reek
  • Soda Baby
  • Hot Scoops
  • Chungus Prime
  • Muscle Daddy
  • Edwunk Clunken
  • Shnook


  • "The peehole is not to be touched or tampered with."
  • "I'm shabby with the butt."
  • "No..."
  • "Why would I...?"
  • "We would either be dead, or arrested at that point."
  • "Why am I always Chungus?"
  • "I'm sort of a beige colour..."
  • "I don't want to pigeonhole you..."
  • "Press B to Genocide"
  • "Mmph... urghh... mmm... urrrrgh".
  • "I am so confused by any sort of anal plays or moves"
  • "No! Don't eat my poo!"
  • "There's so much stuff that people eat that is worse than poo."
  • "Cumming? I hate that word!"
  • "I'm not a doctor..."
  • "But the anus is negative space, isn't it? You can't fuck anything with your anus."
  • "I felt very ignorant."
  • "When are you gonna' give me the crack!"
  • "I'm makin' a real... I'm really frowning right now."
  • "Did you hear my dog just now? Ugh, she sucks."
  • "It'll be interesting to see if my brother actually kills someone. He might."
  • (at Jim) "You've never really tried to have sex with me a lot."
  • "I no nympho!"
  • "JIM! This podcast is WAY worse than any part of Postal!"
  • "His response was- I showed it to my kids and they said: Great! I bet he uses his anus as a suitcase!"
  • "Religions gotta start somehow..."
  • "I think you're talking about yarn... but you seem to like talking about it too much."
  • "Be my real friend, not just my butt friend."
  • "You know what's hard to do? Giving a dog a blow job, while he's trying to kill you."
  • "An intoxicated bear, it can vomit and it can bite - and it can vomit and bite at the same time."
  • "You could ape a Bieber for the bucks."
  • "Show it to a stranger, yup."
  • "You, Jim, you have the best of both worlds. You're like a non-stop ejaculation with fantastic technique and direction! [...] You've got it down. You've got the best boner. Good job."
  • "I'll try anything! Kill me with your magical evil dick!"
  • "Woah, cock-tears and cream from eyes?"
  • "The curse of having weird people look at my body..."

A more comprehensive list of Holmes' quotes can be found at the Twitter account @JonHolmesQuotes.