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Willem Dafoe
New Podtoid creature
Spider-man-norman-osborn-willem-dafoe-goblin-smile
Creator Real Person (Introduced by Jim Sterling)
Date Created 17th June 2011
Date of Final Appearance Regular Character
First Appearance Podtoid 154: Willem Dafoe in The Breast Man
Final Appearance Regular Character

Acclaimed star of stage and screen Willem Dafoe often appears in Podtoid in the form of hypothetical film pitches for roles that would suit his acting prowess. It's been stated that the reason for this is that Jim Sterling really liked Willem Dafoe as the Green Goblin attacking New York in the 2002 hit-film Spider-Man. 

According to Max Scoville, the reason for Tom Berenger's disfigurment in the accalaimed Dafoe film, Platoon, was because Dafoe, the protagonist's sergeant, was so naturally demonic looking that they felt Berenger had to one up him to make up for his literally devilish looks. 

Before being a Podtoid host, Jim Sterling would do a simillar act of movie-pitching to Nicolas Cage, who have been known to pop up in several Willem Dafoe movies since. And while Jim is the one most common to pitch a movie, other hosts tend to join in on the fun.

Tommy Wiseau claims not to know who Dafoe is.

DafoeverseEdit

Main article: Dafoeverse

Dafoe has occasionally been referred to as the "Patron Saint of Podtoid," and as such, his influence has begun to expand past the boundaries of Podtoid itself. Dafoe is most recently known for having taken over the Wii U Miiverse Rabbids Land Community, with the people showing their reverent love for the acclaimed actor of screen, stage and of  fine oral tradition as laid forth by Sterling.

Film Pitches for Willem DafoeEdit

The Breast Man (Podtoid 154: Willem Dafoe in The Breast Man)Edit

"Willem Dafoe features as a corrupt, corporate CEO who wants to knock down a breast cancer ward to build a new car park. Only, he wakes up one morning to discover he has breasts. Laugh along with Willem Dafoe as he learns to love as he gets out of scraps with his equally corrupt business partner played by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and eventually becomes lovers with a doctor at the hospital played by Halle Berry. Willem Dafoe finds a lump, is treated by the hospital, learns his lesson and we all smile." - Jim Sterling

Hollow Back Girl (aka. Hollow Man 3) (Podtoid 156: Hipster)Edit

"Willem Dafoe stars as Hollow Man as he becomes invisible but his head remains visible. Willem Dafoe's floating head goes around looking at ladies in the shower. Women would roll their eyes and say 'It's fucking Willem Dafoe again, ignore him'. There is no plot, just Willem Dafoe's discovery of this invention and his misuse of it to break into Sorority houses'"- Max Scoville

Willemillions (Podtoid 157: Muddy Buddies)Edit

"In similar vein to the film, Multiplicity, Willem Dafoe learns the secret to cloning himself, but soon discovers that each clone becomes inbred with genetic data, that subsequent clones have subtle, weird physical deformities. Examples include: unnaturally small ears, really long fingernails, a finger sticking out of his chest, his beard growing from under his lips.'"- Tara Long

Muddy Buddy (aka. Muddy Buddies) (Podtoid 157: Muddy Buddies)Edit

"An elementary school boy or a self conscious girl in her first semester of college is very afraid of thunder and lightning, but their dad always told them that thunder and lightning is magic and wonderful things can come of it as long as you get through the storm. After a big lightning storm, the boy/girl goes outside and explores through the wilderness and finds a big puddle of mud. They start playing around in the mud, searching around and seeing how things are feeling. They look out in the mud and two eyes open, and a big smile comes out of the mud and it's Willem Dafoe, made of mud, completely nude. He comes out and says 'I just want to friends!' and they say 'Oh, great!' and bring him to school/college. All the students there start loving, touching and caressing the mud man. The boy/girl start rubbing their face into him as Willem Dafoe says 'I'm so glad you're rubbing your face againist me, I'm ecstatic.' During the end of the film, he becomes a big sensation with nobody knowing if he is a mud man or just a weirdo.'" - Jonathan Holmes

Shrink 'em Dafoe (Podtoid 157: Muddy Buddies)Edit

"A little boy played by Thomas Sangster is shrunk and gets trapped inside legendary actor Willem Dafoe. But he's not alone. Two crooks, played by Willem Dafoe and Danny DeVito, have also gone inside to steal the most valuble item in Hollywood, Willem Dafoe's acting gene. Hijinks ensue, as the little boy drops tonsils on their heads and the crooks keep falling on a fart button inside Willem Dafoe whist he tries to wine and dine Mila Kunis. Willem Dafoe dicusses how he really wants to fuck her with Danny DeVito, who wants to watch whist in a wardrobe and jerk his little cock." - Jim Sterling

Suburban Centaurs (Podtoid 161: Son of a bitch, play my puzzle!)Edit

"Willem Dafoe and Vince Vaughn star as two young centaurs who have to travel to New York at the request of the Centaur King to find girlfriends. Hilarity ensues when the Centaur King played by Danny DeVito says 'Ya gotta go to New Yeark and get girlfriends, while I'm jerking off.' Traffic jams are held up by two cenataurs with a taxi driver screaming 'Get out the way yer horse's ass!' to which Willem Dafoe responds 'I have a horse's ass because I'm a centaur." - Jim Sterling

Kid Icarus (Podtoid 168: Hotel For Pigs (With Tommy Wiseau!))Edit

"Willem Dafoe plays Kid Icarus. Directed by Tommy Wiseau. Enough Said'"- Jim Sterling

Double Brothers (Podtoid 192: Kissing and Pissing with Willem Dafoe)Edit

"Willem Dafoe stars as Wilhelm Das Foe, an Austrian man in America who turns out to have a twin brother played by Danny DeVito. Willem Dafoe acts Austrian saying 'GET TO DA CHOPPER' and 'I'LL BE BACK'. Danny DeVito slips on a Banana peel and gets a pitchfork up his ass. They act like brothers together, pissing in the same toilet and trying to have a sword fight with their pissy streams. Willem Dafoe gets his cock out with a close up by the camera with deep drum music and then Willem Dafoe Danny DeVito gets his little one out with a quick, high tune. And then they do deep kissing. Willem Dafoe gets on his knees with the song 'Starry Starry Night' with him and Danny DeVito still pissing." - Jim Sterling

Being John Malkovich II: District Dafoe (Podtoid 193: Transgenderistism)Edit

"In the far future of 2014, New York City has been wiped out by a 200 year long nuclear war. The citizens are mutants and people are dying of raditation. Until, a mysterious man with a vision builds a city far above the wastes of New York. The city is supported by four limbs, for indeed the city is a giant steel Willem Dafoe. The head says 'Ehhhhh, Ehhhhh. I'm Willem Dafoe'. For indeed, many migrated up the elevator along Willem Dafoe's left leg into his bum. And they repopulate the world there. For a while everyone is happy by the mysterious benefactor, who only appears with a cloth over his head (not at all like Cobra Commander) who speaks with an altered voice recorder.
He tells them to live and can keep living in District Dafoe must not violate the five rules. Trouble is, no one told anyone what the rules were, and soon there is Government oppresion from the Dafoebots, an army of policing robots that look like Willem Dafoe with spinning heads going 'EHHHH'. The freedom fighters are led by Brendan Fraser, who is joined by Harry Potter, played by Daniel Radcliffe. The sexy starlet of the film is played by Debra Messing, who, like all first time troublemakers in District Dafoe, has a pair of tits drawn on her forehead with permanent marker: a curvy 'w' for Willem and an infinity symbol to represent eternal punishment with two dots in the middles. Second time offenders get thrown out of Willem Dafoe's butt to fall to their deaths. Instead, because it so nuclear, people mutate on the fall down, turning into screaming squids which congregate in the air around District Dafoe. The freedom fighters fight the Dafoebots, liberate the people, and break into the citadel of the mysterious benefactor. They spin the chair around and take his hood off....fuck, it's Willem Dafoe (who we all thought were dead). He says 'Nooo, I didn't dieeee'. Then the credits roll with the theme from American Beauty" - Jim Sterling

Look Who's Talking IV: Baby's Day Out To Hell in 3D (Podtoid 195: Screaming Willem Dafoe Sperm)Edit

"Brendan Fraser and Debra Messing have had baby and have the perfect life. They are both stock brokers, they have a picturesque house and a pomegranate dog. They alternate time off work to look after the baby. One night, Brendan Fraser is awoken up by a voice that says 'Hey. Hey you'. He looks around their room and sees his baby stood upright holding the bars of the cot. Willem Dafoe's face is now the baby's face, on a newborn baby's body. He says 'Hey daddy. I need you to steal for me'. He wakes up and thinks it was a dream.
Next night, 'Hey, fucker egg!' Brendan Fraser looks up and his baby says 'Yeah, daddy boy, this ain't no dream. I'm an evil baby! and I need you steal for me!' as it turns out over the course of this film that this baby is no dream; it is an evil baby that only Brendan Fraser can see Willem Dafoe's face on. And as the film goes on, the baby keeps the face and gets Brendan Fraser to steal (not a lot of) drugs for it under the threat of 'I'm gonna stab your little  wifey in the cunt if you don't steal cough medicine for me!'.
Eventually, the crimes escalate until the baby orders 'Kill for me!' which eventually ends with him slitting the dog's throat and burning the body.  Eventually they meet the Chinese man from Gremlins who tells them that a curse has been placed on Brendan Fraser. He has to perform an exorcism on top of a cliff and the baby attacks him. Eventually he kicks the baby over him onto the cliff where the baby is holding on. After a call for help, Brendan Frasier grabs the baby's hand and comforts the baby as he's about to pull him up. The baby laughs and pulls a knife from its diaper and tries to stab Brendan Fraser in the hand and he lets go. The baby falls back in slow motion going 'Ehhhhh, I'll see your wife's cunt in hell!'.
Debra Messing escapes from her capture and sacrifice and starts crying with relief. Brendan Fraser starts to comfort his wife when he hears a voice. He looks down and really starts panicking for the voice is Willem Dafoe inside of him. He starts panicking and screaming, he pulls down his pants and underwear and penis is fully erect. It points up at him and a huge amount of spunk spurts out of his penis and the spunk shoots directly at the camera. And just as it's about hit the camera, you can see Willem Dafoe's face in it screaming, with the implication that no matter how many babies Brendan Fraser has, they will all be evil Willem Dafoe babies." - Jim Sterling

Escape from New York (Podtoid 196: Sesame Meat)Edit

Zapped! 3 (Podtoid 196: Sesame Meat)Edit

"Willem Dafoe gets zapped and is a teenager. One day he gets really upset because his homework isn't done. He starts screaming and his homework magically does itself. Willem Dafoe comes to the conclusion that if he gets upset and starts yelling he can do whatever he wants. He gets girls to start dancing sexily for him and the Dean to spill his coffee. Everyone whole heartedly approves of this" - Jonathan Holmes

World War Fun (Podtoid 199: Goose Penis)Edit

"A feel good-film for picking up America's spirit. National patriotism is at an all time low, the economy is still low, people don't know who to vote for. The fun side of World War One. For about an hour, Willem Dafoe wearing a solider's uniform slides down a slide going 'Weeeee, war's so fun!'. The entire gay German side are all laughing along because everyone's having a good time. They also put lots of phallic sausages' in their mouths. Then at the end Willem Dafoe is given a medal for saving America and defeating their leader, Osama Von Laden." - Jim Sterling
Note: Adapted from the 1862 motion picture "Wouldn't It Be Terrible If A World War Happened?"

The Taste of Crime (Podtoid 200: Gay Sex Orgy Nightmare)Edit

"Willem Dafoe plays the tounge arm of the law, Sergeant Lick who has a superpower he got after licking a radioactive ice cream. He has the power to taste crimes with his radioactive, augmented tounge. When they catch criminals he can tell if they're innocent or gulity by licking their face and tasting the guilt and all details of the crime. A suspect named Johnny, played by Brendan Fraser, is questioned by Police but upon interigation by Dafoe loses his last lick of freedom as Willem Dafoe grabs him by the ears and licks him long and hard from his chin over his lips to his forehead up to his hair going 'Uaaaaaaaaaaa, sexed a baby! Throw him in the jail'.
A bad thing has happened. Osama Bin Laden has come to town (Time Square) in his giant Turban Helicopter, played by Gene Simmons who is all browned up. He threatens to blow up New York if he doesn't get given $1000. The Mayor of NYC is stopped from delivering by Willem Dafoe who says 'Don't you dare, something tastes bad of crime, and I'm gonna..lick it'. He spends his way licking his way through the criminal underworld. He interogates Osama-look alikes from the street. He licks his way through Al Qaeda to find where he is, for every lick he takes takes him one step closer. In Time Square (again), they confront, and before Willem Dafoe can do anything, Bin Laden smears Peanut Butter on his face, obsures his flavor negating his superpower as he walks away backwards.
Willem Dafoe can't find him and licks random passers bys to no avail. Bin Laden taunts him saying 'I'm over here!'. Finally, it rains, and Bin Laden holds his face saying 'Ahh, no' for ten minutes. And then Willem Dafoe says 'My tounge is picking something up!' as he swims through a sea of people using his tounge. He grabs Bin Laden and proceeds to lick his face off. Bin Laden says with his final breath 'I AM A SKELINGTON!' and grows bone wings and flys into the sun. Just before the credits roll, Willem Dafoe looks into the sun with the subtitle 'Don't worry kids, it's safe to do this' and he says to his sidekicks, played by David Hyde Pierce and iCarly, 'I'm going to lick the sun'." - Jim Sterling

Patch Adams Two: Is It Pedophilia or Not? (Podtoid 201: I Don't Want To Mutilate)Edit

"Willem Dafoe is Hamza Aziz the cure for cancer, in a revolutionary surgery in which his body is literally the cancer antibody. In order for the patient to be cured of cancer, the patient must pull down their pants and underpants and Willem Dafoe must pull their penis open and climb inside it head first, crawls into a ball and spins around like a hedgehog and comes out of their asshole. Willem Dafoe comes out of their anus, covered in cancer and shakes it all off like a wet dog and they store it in a cancer chamber where it is eaten by a cancer friend.
There is an element of conflict. He has a rival, the corrupt, jealous, ex-cure for whooping cough chief of police played by Brendan Fraser Weird Al Yankovic , who has been waiting for years to get Willem Dafoe for this. A sick little eight year old boy, played by Nicolas Cage, comes in. Willem Dafoe wants to save his life but Weird Al  ells him if he tells if he touches the boy's penis, it's pedophilia and he will be arrested in the name of the law. The moral dilemma is tough, Willem Dafoe talks to his friend Dracula, played by Ryan Daniels Reynolds, about it. He can't touch the boy's penis under any cirumstances, you're going to jail because it is the far future of 2013. The film revolves around Willem Dafoe's choice to save the boy but get arrested or not go to jail."  - Jim Sterling

The Crucifixion of Mary J. Blige (Podtoid 202: Your Humble Anal Caretaker)Edit

"The film starts with the Last Supper of Mary J. Blige, played by Tia and Tamera from Sister, Sister, as she talks to her disciples. There is a Spooky Devil played by Melissa Joan Hart with a moustache with 'Devil' written on it with red paint. She keeps pointing at Mary saying 'Ahh, eat some bread'. Mary doesn't know that her freind Hodas played by Malcolm Mcdowell is traitorous. Danny DeVito and Brendan Fraser wearing giant noses with big beards (not jewish) and big tall hats eating bagels saying 'We will kill this Mary J. Blidge, bleeehh'.
Mary J. Blige is arrested by the Romans, played by John Cusack and Nicolas Cage. She is dragged through the streets whist being yelled by the peasants questioning her status. She is dragged before Pontius Pilate, played by Tobey Maguire, saying 'I will not kill you Mary K. Blidge' and he whips her with a big stick whist the not Jewish people watch. They drag her again through the street whist Tobey Maguire pisses down the stairs. Mary says to Peter played by Rutger Hauer 'Surely thoust must recognize me?' but he says he doesn't and turns away. A rooster played by and Macy Grey and Mary J. Blige is also there. They drag her up to the Crucifix, nail her in, and place a Crown of Thorns on her head.
And then she dies with her last breath 'Oh, bollocks' as they stick a stick in her stomach and weeds grow out of her stomach and say 'The boy king is dead'. And then the camera turns around from the front of Mary J. Blidge and it turns out that the Crucifix is played by Willem Dafoe who says 'I killed your friend Mary J. Blige and now I'm going to kill you too! EHHHH' and the camera zooms in his mouth and the credits roll' - Jim Sterling

Diablo (Podtoid 203: The Peehole Must Not Be Tampered or Touched)Edit

I Sing a Song of Spiders (Podtoid 208: It's Covered in Weeping Sores)Edit

"Willem Dafoe is the lead singer in the most popular high school band called 'The Awesome Best Band Yes Them'. All the seventeen year old girls are in love with this hot, science major stud who is also well good at football. He is in the band with Steve Buscemi on lead guitar, Gary Oldman on rhythmn, Gary Busey and Tyler Perry as Mabel "Madea" Simmons on drums. One day, Willem Dafoe while doing science at school, is bitten by a radioactive spider and he says 'Ah, it's like Spider-Man' and he shakes it off. He's fine. But one day, when they get their first big gig in Sunnydale (this is a crossover and prequel with the Buffy the Vampire Slayer universe). Willem Dafoe is about to sing Venga Boy's Boom Boom I want you in my Room. He opens his mouth to sing, but dozens and dozens of spiders fly out of his mouth and into other people's faces. And they breath in and go 'Uhhgarr' whist Willem Dafoe keeps singing. Steve Busemi is like 'What the fuck!?' and Madea is like 'Oh ma gad, I can't believe what you're doing with those spiders, ya prick!'.
Willem Dafoe realises he has a great gift, he can sing just regular type spiders (loads of them!). The moral of the film is 'With great power, comes great trying to work out how to use the power of singing spiders'. They're gearing up for battle of the bands, they're going up aganist the evil band called 'The Evil Band' which is led by Danny DeVito, Weird Al Yankovic and Brendan Fraser who play on bat-shaped guitars. Willem Dafoe realizes he has this blessing and is confining in his girlfriend played by iCarly. So Willem Dafoe, is sat at the end of the bed in his boxer briefs, you can see his bacon flesh. 'Oh, iCarly. I can sing spiders' he says intimately 'I've got eight-legged vocal cords and there's nothing I can do. I've gotta use my gift for good.' She says 'I know you will do it Willem Dafoe's character. You will work it out. Now let us make a love'.
He starts kissing iCarly in slow motion while emotional music (the Terminator music) plays with scenes of Willem Dafoe on top of iCarly going 'Uarrrrr'. Then there's a scene of them clutching hands on top of the bed sheets, his wrinkly veiny hands and her small hands. Half way through, we see Steve Busemi at the high school urinal with his penis out, we hear the tinkle. He says 'Fargo was a good film. Wait a minute my penis was an octopus'. And then Willem Dafoe finishes 'Ohh, oh fuck' and then he falls back, a vein in his head very prominent. And then she plays with his erect nipple and says 'Sing me a song like you did in the olden days'. He goes 'Uaaaarr' and then a cat-sized bleeding black widow comes out of his mouth and crawls in her mouth and she swallows it. Using CGI, her neck expands and then the word 'Metaphor' flashes on screen because it is a metaphor for love. It's covered in weeping swores. She says 'I love you' and he says 'Spiders' and then the credits roll and that's the end of the movie." - Jim Sterling

The Party Flower (Podtoid 209: Toxic Love Holes)Edit

"Brendan Fraser plays Adam Shoestring, a struggling artist who has just gotten a new job at an advertising agency. He works for the Clamp Company. He designs new buildings and adverts for products. He has one thing that causes a creative block, he needs plant life, because that gives him inspiration. He's just moved into a cubicle, he needs a plant quick, he runs out of the building and goes to a Chinese store and thinks they might have plants in there. He sees a Chinese man played by Cheech Marin who says 'Hey man, I've got some plants to sell you, man. I've got flower'. It's a little yellow flower in a pot, and Brendan Fraser thinks it's perfect and asks how much for it. Cheech says 'For you, nawting!'. So Brendan Fraser takes it back to the office and puts it on his desk and starts working.
Suddenly he hears a little noice 'Hey'. He looks around, sees nothing. 'Hey' the flower has stood up and the stigma of the flower is now a yellow Willem Dafoe face looking at him. 'Hey, Adam Shoestring. I'M DANCING!' as the flower shakes from side-to-side and Love Today by Mika plays, while still going 'I'M DANCING! I'M DANCING!' constantly. Brendan Fraser says 'Shut up! I can't let the bosses see you!' and he puts him in the drawer and you can still here the muffled nosies. Cheech Marin can't take the flower back, so Brendan Fraser takes it home and feeds it yoghurt. The film is Brendan Fraser taking the flower to and from work, constantly hiding it. He hides it from his bosses, his girlfriend and the vicar. Everytime, when they vaguely hear the flower, Brendan Fraser has to start dancing while saying 'I'M DANCING!' to cover up and his bosses tell him to get back to work." - Jim Sterling

I'll Photograph Your Ass (Podtoid 210: I'm Nightwing & I'm Gonna Sex You With My Penis)Edit

"Brendan Fraser plays Brendan Fraser, a hot, upcoming Hollywood talent. Everyone wants him to play the next big stuff. Brendan Fraser has trouble on the horizon, in the form of a paparazzi photographer called Beanie Tuesday, played by Willem Dafoe. Brendan Fraser has a happy life, he is married to Debra Messing has a baby played by Gilbert Gottfried. Willem Dafoe is out to ruin Brendan Fraser's career by taking a photograph of his ass thus proving to Hollywood and his loyal fans that he has an ass. High speed car chases ensue with Willem Dafoe on a bicycle with a handycam trying to photograph his ass. At a McDonalds drive through Willem Dafoe appears at the window saying 'Here's your fries, would you like a PHOTO OF YOUR ASS WITH THAT!?'. Brendan Fraser smashes through the McDonalds causing a lot of human damage (but it's okay since he's the protagonist).
Eventually Brendan Fraser crashes and starts jumping from roof to roof on top of cars. At one point he high-fives Danny DeVito hanging from lamp post. Mark Wahlberg says 'Quick! Jump on my back!' which Brendan Fraser does and digs into his ribs. After objection from Mark Wahlberg, he throws Brendan Fraser off and he falls into the famous New York Swamp. He crawls out and grabs hold of what he thinks is a tree branch which is actually Willem Dafoe's leg. Brendan Fraiser admits to his fate, with Debra Messing screaming in the background, Brendan Frasier drops his pants and Y-fronts, bends over pulls his cheeks apart and tells Willem Dafoe to look in for a closer look. Willem Dafoe bends over and looks right into the hole of it. Just then, a horse flies out of Brendan Fraser's ass with horse noises or James Earl Jones' voice saying 'Fuck off' kicking Willem Dafoe out of a building with footage of Alan Rickman falling out of building with Willem Dafoe saying 'You haven't seen the last of me and my camera that's going to photograph your ass'. He falls into a truck filled with asses as Willem Dafoe says 'Asses! Asses! The Irony!' and the truck passes a sign saying '5000 miles to never coming back again'. Brendan Fraser says 'Ass not very likely photograph of it 'Hey Benny! Looks like you're on the wrong side of the river!' and then the credits roll." - Jim Sterling
 

A Horse Named Keanu (Podtoid 213: A Man-Horse Pooping Condoms)Edit

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"Willem Dafoe plays a farmer called Farmer Animals. There is a big reveal of the world's biggest farm with cows, sheep and waterslides with ducks. Every year, Farmer Animals selects one of his animals to compete in the world's best animal competition. How to top his prior victories is unknown to him until a horse gives birth on Christmas Eve to a horse, played by Keanu Reeves, which Willem Dafoe selects to be his best animal. Willem Dafoe then looks at the camera shakes his tounge and says 'HEY KIDS! WANNA DIE!?' for fifteen minutes. He opens his mouth and other human fingers appear inside and open his mouth, covering the whole screen. Then, using stop motion, Willem Dafoe comes out of his throat saying 'HEY KIDS! WANNA DIE SCREAMING!?'. Then bells play with the sounds of a baby screaming and then a transition to Willem Dafoe toiling in the fields to remind us all he is a farmer. The horse in the background is stomping in the mud saying 'Horrrrse'.
The rival farmer, Sludgeworth Q. Capitalism, played by Danny DeVito, who says 'Hey Willem Dafoe, I'm Sludgeworth the Farmer. I'm an evil capitalist and I like jerking off into piles of money. And I'm going to win the best animal of America with my animal. Feast your eyes!'. Willem Dafoe says 'I don't think you'll beat me, I got a Horse Named Keanu!'. Then Danny DeVito says 'Take a look at what I've got, a pig named Vin Diesel!' then Vin Diesel comes in with a G-string going 'Ouuurrgh, riddick riddick. Willem Dafoe comments on it not being very impressive but then Danny DeVito demonstrates with Vin Diesel getting on his hind legs and starts rubbing his own chest and two steams of milk spray from his nipples. Willem Dafoe one-ups him by getting on Keanu and then Keanu gets a massive erection, sticking into the ground and lifts Keanu and Willem Dafoe into the air. Willem Dafoe says 'Just to be sure, that is his penis' while taking off his cowboy hat going 'Yeehaw' and they get pushed into the atmosphere with Danny DeVito saying 'Well I never. I also know that's his penis'. Willem Dafoe goes towards the sun when he says 'Time to say hello to the sun! Vote Democrat'. They start burning and Willem Dafoe says 'HEY KIDS! I'LL SKULLFUCK YOUR MOTHER IN HELL!' and then he burns into ash. It fades to black with '15 years later' with Danny DeVito saying 'I honor my friend, who truely did have the best animal' to the audience of dogs as he puts a medal into Willem Dafoe's chest." - Jim Sterling

Bayonetta: The Movie (Podtoid 219: You're Bayonetta, But I've Got Hemorrhoids)Edit

"Willem Dafoe plays the titular Bayonetta, the sassy, gun-wielding English-accented witch wearing a suit of her own hair. This of course is done by having Willem Dafoe with a Bee-Hive haircut wearing the body suit from Harry and the Henders and a bra. He walks around with his guns saying 'I am Bayonetta. Give me a kiss Granddad' and she and an old man played by Frank Lagnella. 'I'm kissing Frank Lagnella!' and he shoots  his two guns in the air while Mexican music plays. And then hair grows out of his back and flies into his ass and comes out of his mouth and shouts 'I can taste my hair-poo!' and poo goes all up the walls in slowmotion with music going 'Doing it for the Hair-poo' sung by Jim Sterling. It drips down the walls and ceiling of the room he was in. He looks up and catches it on his tounge and says 'That is like snow-flakes' and he leaves. Then there is Danny DeVito who says 'Ahhhh, I AM THE DEVIL.' and they start kissing and trading a ball of poo between their mouths. Then hair from Willem Dafoe's back flies up Danny DeVito's ass and comes out covered in poo. And again, the room is covered in poo and he says 'Now two rooms are brown with poo!'. He looks in the corner and says 'there is blood in that corner, there's something wrong with your stool. That might be a sign of cancer or Hemorrhoids'.
Danny DeVito says 'You're Bayonetta, but I might have Hemorrhoids, or cancer. Both of which should be checked out by a doctor'. They both go to the doctor, skipping down the yellow brick road holding hands. The doctor is played by Brendan Fraser. Then Brendan Fraser says Danny DeVito says he has Hemorrhoids. Danny DeVito slaps both hands against his cheek and says 'Uh-oh! Hemmorrhoids!' and Willem Dafoe winks and says 'Well maybe you shouldn't of fucked your ass'. Brendan Fraser, Danny DeVito and Willem Dafoe hold hands and skip down the yellow brick road and meet Debra Messing who says 'Put em up! I need courage I tells ya!'. They decide to go the Wizard of Oz and they all skip to the emerald city. There is a big head played by Willem Dafoe who says 'I'm the Wizard of Oz! You gotta kill the wicked witch of the west before I will give you, Bayonetta, a mop to clean up the poo. I will cure Danny DeVito of Hemmorrhoids and Debra Messing, I will give you courage. And Brendan Fraser I will give you...uh..ah...ah..AAAAAAAHHHHHH'. They hold hands again and skip to the wicked witch of the west. They find the Wicked Witch, played by Hugo Weaving, who goes 'URGGG RRRHH GGHH' and throws a witch's rock at Brendan Fraser whose head explodes and a thousand worms crawl out of neck, with Brendan Fraser's voice instead of blood.
Willem Dafoe says 'Quick! We gotta save Brendan Fraser! Everyone grab a handful of worms and keep them..up your ass!' and there's a big tense, emotional moment when Danny DeVito goes 'AAAHHH, MY HEMMORRHOIDS' and Willem Dafoe goes to the camera 'My god! Hugo Weaving of the west is right! Danny DeVito's Hemmorroids have become infected with worms and now he's also dead!'. So he dies. Debra Messing turns inside out and says 'I'm Silas Murphy!' and explodes. Willem Dafoe pulls a cheesecake from his armpit and eats it and says 'When in Rome, eat cheesecake!' and Hugo Weaving says 'Don't forget to break me off a slice!' and he oliges and they share the cheesecake. And Willem Dafoe says 'This is what I wanted to happen all along, because I am a witch and it's not just because someone pointed out' and the camera zooms into his mouth and in slow motion and his mouth opens up and you can see cheesecake mix salivia just dribbing out. And bits of it hit the camera while going 'Uh-hah-hah-hah'. And the credits roll going 'Doing it for the Cheesecake, Bayonetta'. - Jim Sterling

101 Dalmatians (Podtoid 222: Weird Hairless Chicken-Babies)Edit

"Two dalmations, played by Danny DeVito and Barbara Streisand, give birth to one hundred and one baby Willem Dafoe dalmations. The owners, Brendan Fraser and his wife, Weird Al Yankovic must sell them because of the economy. He looks at the camera and says 'President Obama has run this country into the ground because of the war and Big Bird and selling all the money. God, I am going to sell these dalmations to a rich, old woman who is coming to buy them. But I don't know she's going to turn it into a coat, so don't judge me. Judge Obama who is forcing Victoria-English housemaids like my wife, to become a prostitute and sell her sweet pussy for sex'. Weird Al Yankovic also lamblasts Obama and sells cat prostitutes to a man played by Lemmy Kilmister who puts a quart of them in a sack and says 'Ooh, I don't mind buying some of that pussy, I'll tell you that much. Here, put them in this sack. You know what? I was going to keep this cats here for pets but thanks to that bloody Obama, I'm going to go home an eat these'.
Cruellem Da Foe knocks at the door and enters and wants a look at the dog. 'How are you going to make these dogs into coats?' asks Brendan Fraser to Cruellem Da Foe 'They are just weird hairless Chicken-Babies with your face'. 'That's not my face' says Cruellem Da Foe 'Those dogs look a lot like Willem Dafoe but I am Cruellem Da Foe.' she answers. 'I'm going to shave their asses off, and turn them into a dalmation ass coat.' Brendan Fraser inquires further but is asked to blame Obama which he does. Cruellem DaFoe gives them an hundred pounds to buy more sweet pussy to sell to bands from old metal groups.
Over the course of the film, Brendan Fraser ponders why they shared the same face Barbara Streisand says 'Ohhhh, nooo. It doesn't look like Willem Dafoe! It looks like Cruella Da Foe, who under cover of night, had sex with my ass and made ass babies. Which is the only way a human and a dog can have babies'. At that point Weird Al says 'Oh my god! We've just sold Cruellem Da Foe's own children back to her! And she's going to shave off their asses to make a dalmation ass coat! Lemmy! Lemmy help us!'. The Grandfather clock opens and Lemmy steps out. They need to ride on his back because he is the fastest runner to get to Cruellem Da Foe's hoose, because she's actually a man and she had sex with Barbara Streisand!'. 'Makes sense to me, up on my back' Lemmy says. Brendan Fraser, Weird Al Yankovic, Danny DeVito and Barbara Drescher get on her back as Lemm does running fast to Cruellem Da Foe's mansion which is a giant marble slab with Willem Dafoe's face in it.
They go throught the mouth and to their horror, they realize they're too late. Cruellem Da Foe has blood dripping from his mouth and says 'It's all over. I just realized I had sex with a dog and had ass babies and bought for an hundred pounds and it was my last hundred pounds in the world, because of Obama and Obamacare. So I've had to eat all the dogs.'. He pics up one of them and bites into it head 'Om nom, care to join me for dinner?'. Lemmy responds saying 'Under a democratic Government we might as well eat hybrid baby dog monster bastards'. And they all sit down and eat and the theme tune, Everytime I think about you, I touch myself, plays." - Jim Sterling

The Grail (Podtoid 224: Penisvaginaltitscube)Edit

"Willem Dafoe plays Willem Darfur in The Grail, a movie set in biblical times. He is the person serving wine to Jesus Christ (Ian McKellen) at his last supper. Jesus grabs Willem Darfur and asks if he believes in God and Shit, Willem Darfur says that he suppose he does. Jesus then tells Willem Darfur that he must protect the Holy Grail from the Yakuza." - Jim Sterling

Cock/Off (Face/Off 2: Back in the Habit) (Podtoid 226: Dickmouth School)Edit

"Willem Dafoe plays Castor Troy, an escaped criminal on the run from special agent Hank played by Brendan Fraser. Hank is furious at Castor Troy for killing his son 3 minutes ago. Brendan Fraser says  "At this point, on this third minute aniversary of my son's death, I swear to you, I'm going to take that no good Castor Troy down and avenge my son' and Willem Dafoe says 'Don't bet your ass on it. I killed your son and I'm going to kill your other one'. They're fighting on top of Metal Gear, trading punches with the music Snake Eater playing. They hit each other faces for an hour.
They both fall off and die...or do they? Brendan Fraser's character Hank wakes up. 'Fuck me in the ass! That was a fantastic fight full of special effects and great music. But, I fell off Metal Gear and bashed by head, and that's why I got a bandage on my head. Where is that Castor Troy!? It's the fourth hour aniversary of my son's death! And I'm going to kill him for that'. The Doctor played by Alan Rickman says 'He's in a coma because his head fell off, but it's okay because his brother is in prison now. And he's got a bomb and you're going to find out where the bomb lives.' Brendan Fraser says 'Where are we going to find out where the bomb lives in Los Angleleas?' Alan Rickman says 'We're going to use special medicine from doctors' to take Castor Troy's penis off and put it on your penis so people think you're Castor Troy'.
Brendan Fraser agrees and wants to be bonked on the head and his penis to be cut off with a pair of rusty scissors. They slop Brendan Fraser's new penis on as he goes 'Oh no you son of a bitch! Why did you do it! Now I look like Castor Troy'. He goes to prison to meet his brother played by John Goodman who says 'Aaayaaayaaayaa, it's my brother. The bomb is in the convention center.'. Meanwhile, Willem Dafoe wakes up and says 'Where's my fucking cock? Oh, there's one over there I'll glue that on'. After he does he this he says 'Oh my! I'm scottish, I look just like Hank. I'm going to have sex with his wife' and then he does and then the movie is over." - Jim Sterling

Blue Eye in the Brown Eye (Podtoid 229: Murderous Techno-Snail Hybrids) Edit

"A crooked lawyer played by Brendan Fraser discovers a magical eye living inside his anus, played by Willem Dafoe. The eye possesses the ability to speak and predict the deaths of all those who gaze upon it, as Fraser and his celebrity friends, including Danny DeVito and Steve Buscemi, begin to understand as they are picked off one by one. Eventually Fraser realises the power of the eye, but in doing so fulfils the curse of the 'Ass Eye Lawyer's Ass Eye" and Willem Dafoe cosplaying as Rita Repulsa from Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers emerges from Fraser's gaping chungus hole. With  the curse lifted, Dafoe decides to conquer Earth, which is seen floating in the sky, the movie ends on this twist and a slow version of 'Go Go, Power Rangers' is played over the credit sequence." - Jim Sterling


The Wrong Santa (Podtoid 232: The Christmas Nightmare Fluid Special)Edit

Not to be confused with the upcoming Dafoe epic, Dafoe Steals Christmas 2: Bad Santa 2, The Wrong Santa is a film where Willem Dafoe hangs upside down in a straight jacket and screams at the terrified children whom thenceforth exclaim, "It's the wrong Santa!  It's the wrong Santa!"

Travoltaphobia (Podtoid 234: The Foot-Clan's Poopy Ooze)Edit

"Willem Dafoe plays a small town cop in a small town town, Sheriff Dolittle Doberry. 'I love it here. Nothing bad ever happens ever and never will. Don't you fucking come down here, you big city assholes.' he says to the camera. 'There's lots of forests here because I remember that bit from the movie this was based on'. Then he gets a call-in from his radio and listens to it. He hears Deputy Brendan Fraser on the phone who says 'Sheriff Doberry! I'm Brendan Fraser. You've gonna have to come to Doctor Chungus' house 'cause he's dead on his fucking toilet!'. 'Fuck it! Doctor Chungus Danny DeVito is dead on his toilet. I'm going to have to go to the pharmacist to check this out. You'd better not be in there you city assholes. I'm specifically talking about the Africans Americans because I'm in a hick town and thus racist'.
He goes down to the pharmacist and Danny DeVito is dead as a corpse on a toilet with a big bite mark on his ass. Willem Dafoe is annoyed. 'Oh, this is so stupid.'  he says 'This is embarrassing. I apologize to the audience. For being so judgemental, I have learned a valuable lesson about tolerance. Now let's take a look at his bitten ass!'. They heave him off the toilet and Danny's DeVito ass wobbles in slow motion. He pokes it with a stick and says That's a spider bite all right! I'm going to get to the bottom of this fucking disaster'. He leaves and sees all over town is covered in spiders. And the worst thing about it is they all have disembodied human heads with eight spider legs. Willem Dafoe puts his hands to the sides of this cheeks and says 'Ooooh no! It's just like John Carpenter's The Thing! Except the head are the right way up.' And at that moment all the heads look at him for the twist is happening. 'Oh my god. This is the twist of the film. They've all got the heads of famed actor and scientologist, John Travolta'.
At that point, he steps back and looks at the camera and says 'Looks like I've got...TRAVOLTAPHOBIA! Errrugguruuugurrruuugh'. Then thousands of spiders come out his mouth, tiny baby ones and he wobbles about like Jacob's Ladder going 'Ruugrgegeeruuru. I'm a big spider egg! I've got Travoltaphobia!' and he deflates and it turns out he's just flat on the ground like a deflated sex doll. 'Turns out I was a spider egg the whole time. Albeit a bit like Wormman the Cartoon. Uruuuguugh, Brendan Fraser'. Brendan Fraser says 'It's all up to me? Come on Debra Messing!'. Debra Messing comes out on a skateboard with a purple hood on and says 'Hello. I'm in the Foot-Clan' and start punching spiders. And then the world's biggest John Travolta spider comes in on wings, riding on a dragon and eats her. Willem Dafoe says 'It's the General! Urrugurugh. It's the General!' and it eats Brendan Fraser as well and says I am John Travolta' and flies towards the camera and it all goes black and that is the end." - Jim Sterling
TURTLES! (Podtoid 234: The Foot-Clan's Poopy Ooze)
Two hours of Willem Dafoe, standing in a white room with no windows, yelling "TURTLES!!!", akin to the similar lyric heard in the theme song for the 2003 animated television series 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.' There are no turtles present.

Ass-Bitch the Dancing Cat (Podtoid 235: Acoustic Vulva)Edit

"Brendan Fraser is a lonely man. He works in Wendy's serving burgers to teenagers and he is like 50. He has recently split-up from his longterm girlfriend, who has dumped him for not being sensitive. So he decides to fill the void in his life, the lonely void in his life, by buying a cat. He goes to the pet store and in the pet store, um obviously, Mr. Miyagi is there, played by Danny DeVito who says, 'Hey I'm Mr. Miyagi, and I got a cat for ya.' Brendan Fraser says 'How did you know I was a cat?' and he points at his nose and says 'It's my little secret, but I am Asian and wise. And that's not racist because that is a positive trait. Ching chong Chinaman.' Because that makes it okay. He already said it's not racist and that gives you license to say anything. 'This isn't racist. Ching chong Chinaman, I eat half of these cats.' And, and Brendan Fraser looks at the camera and says, 'Just to confirm,um, this isn't racist. It is what we call satire.'
AssbitchIRL
Ass-Bitch IRL!
SpAM CANAdded by SpAM CAN
So anyway, um, Danny Devito says, 'Get this cat, it's poipule!' And sure 'enough, there is a purple cat there. I don't know how dangerous it is to spray-paint a purple. Uh, I've done it, so we can tell studios that we've already got the purple cat, it's okay. They just need to help us with the CGI, because no sooner does Brendan Fraser get it home, does the cat go, 'Hey.... Hey you.' And Brendan Fraser looks down and well, what do ya know? It's Willem Dafoe's face on the cat, on the purple cat, Willem Dafoe's purple cat face. A bit like the Cheshire Cat, but totally not the Cheshire Cat. Brendan Fraser says, 'Who are you? Are you the Cheshire Cat?' And Brendan Fraser, no, Bendan Fra-, fuck, Willem Dafoe say, 'No, I'm not the Cheshire Cat. I'm Ass-Bitch the Dancing Cat, ya silly poop-dick!' And Brendan Fraser says, 'What did you call me?' He says, 'I called you poop-dick. Get used to it, kid! Now I'm going to teach you about love, and ya goilfriend will date you again, because that's how it woiks! Now give me some cat food poop-dick. 
And Brendan Fraser goes and makes, get some uh cat food, like Meow Mix, and puts it in a bowl, and he goes, "Not that, ya stupid poop-dick! Get me some sausages, breakfast sausages! EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'm Ass-Bitch the Dancing Cat and I want some goddamned sausages.' 
He hasn't been dancing, it's just a normal cat that we've filmed walking around and we've awkwardly photoshopped, like blue-screened Willem Dafoe's face hovering in front of it, just so we know the head is on the cat. 'I'm the Dancing Cat and these are some great sausages I'm eating with a knife and fork.' Um, I haven't been able to train the cat to eat with a knife and fork. I've just had to film the cat walking near a knife and fork on the floor with some sausages, but I think the audience will go with it. So anyway, the next door neighbor, the evil Weird Al Yankovic, played by Weird Al Yankovic, is holding a glass up to the wall and listening to everything and he says, "Oh my god I cannot believe it! He's got a talking cat in there! That's gonna fetch me a fine price at the Talking Animals Auction tomorrow!' So he goes and tries to kidnap the cat. So he knocks on the door of Brendan Fraser's house and Brendan Fraser opens it and Weird Al Yankovic says, 'Excuse me! I am a stranger who you don't know! Can I come in?' And Brendan Fraser says, 'No.' And he says, 'Well tough!' and he sprays mace in Brendan Fraser's eyes and pushes him to the floor and runs in with a big net and says, 'I'm going to kidnap you, so-called Ass-Bitch the Dancing Cat!' And Willem Dafoe says 'I'm Ass-Bitch the Dancing Cat and you have no head! EHAHAHAHAHA!' And Weird Al Yankovic goes, 'What? But I do have a hea- OHAUGHHHH!' And then his head falls off. And then he falls down dead, blood everywhere.
- Jim Sterling

Chupacabros (Podtoid 236: Give My Scarecrow A Blowjob)Edit

Brendan Fraser is Humphrey Windcomb, a high-powered attorney who has been successfully paving the way for his oil company clients to begin drilling in wilderness preserves. While visiting the site of a drilling operation, an accident relating to poor safety standards causes an explosion and a devastating oil leak. Humphrey is nearly killed in the explosion and rushed to the finest medical facilities in the world, which as we all know are in Tijuana, Mexico.
After months of recovery and introspection, Windcomb now faces a crisis of conscience. "I'm a lawyer facing a crisis of conscience. How ironic," he says as he looks out over the pristine landscape of Tiajuana from his wheelchair. Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, he sees some movement in the brush. Looking closer, he sees a small, dark form with twinkling eyes and a voice says, "I know all about conscience."
The form steps out into the light and reveals itself to be a short, rail-thin figure with spines down its back, played by Richard O'Brien. "I'm a chupacabra and I can be your guide. Let me take you on a journey of self-discovery. We just need two tickets to Atlantic City."
Meanwhile, out of view of both of them, a man stands on a hilltop with a pair of binoculars, examining the pair. It is Willem Dafoe, who says, "I knew the Chupacabra was real and I, Mickey Finkswiggle, greatest cryptozoologist in the world, is gonna be the one to catch it!"
Humphrey and the Chupacabra head to the airport. The Chupacabra is wearing a hat and a long overcoat to disguise himself and the pair manage to get through security without incident due to Humphrey's condition. They sit down in first class and Humphrey falls asleep the flight takes off. When he wakes up, they've landed in Atlantic City and Chupa starts rushing him off the plane, eager to begin their spirit quest. Meanwhile, the camera pans down to the baggage handlers unloading the plane as a bloody goat with a gaping hole in its side slides down the conveyor. Dun Dun DUNNNNN.
At the hotel, the Chupacabra explains his plans. "I have a magic elixir that my body produces," he says as he makes a cup of coffee for Humphrey. "It helps people like you who have difficulty letting go. I'll just squeeze a little bit of it out into your drink and you'll feel better right away." He squeezes his hand over the drink and a few drops fall in. He gives the cup to Humphrey, who drinks it down. The world begins to lose focus and we hear the Chupacabra say, "The secret to living with yourself when you're a horrible person is to put yourself into a perpetual state of numbness."
Humphrey and the Chupacabra hit the town in a montage of gambling and drinking which progresses into a cocaine bender and lap dances at the VIP room of a strip club. Humphrey forgets all about his problems and begins smiling as the party extends on until the next dawn.
We fade back in on the VIP room, still uncleaned from the night before and now occupied by police officers. Along one of the couches is one of the dancers from the club, a hole in her stomach and totally drained of blood. The police officers seem baffled when Mickey Finkswiggle marches into the room and says, "I know what this is! It's the chupacabra and the people of Atlantic City will never be safe until I catches it!"
This goes on for about 40 minutes. The Chupacabra and Humphrey having increasingly debauched nights of excess and Mickey showing up just after they leave. "There's got to be a pattern," Mickey says aloud to nobody in particular at all of these events. Then, as he's walking down the street, he sees a billboard for the 25th annual "Everything Goes Orgy Marathon" and realizes where he can lay a trap for the Chupacabra.
That night, Humphrey and the Chupacabra go to the Everything Goes Orgy Marathon and start the evening off with some light bondage. A man in a gimp suit ties them to posts and goes to retrieve torture implements off the wall when he starts laughing. "Why are you laughing, gimp man?" asks Humphrey. "Make with the slapping and the hurting so that I might forget what a horrible person I am."
"I'm laughing because I'm not just a gimp," says the gimp, pulling off his mask. "I am also Mickey Finkswiggle, the greatest cryptozoologist in the world and I've finally caught the Chupacabra! Now I'm going to put it in a cage!"
"You monster!" Says Humphrey. "Can't you see that the Chupacabra is a wonder of nature which cannot be allowed to be contained or destroyed? We must preserve its natural glory forever and allow it to run free!"
"You are indeed a great lawyer, Humphrey Windcomb, and there is no defense to your argument. I shall never again try to lock away newly discovered species in cages," says Mickey, who unties the Chupacabra and Humphrey from their posts before walking out, defeated.
Humphrey turns to the Chupacabra and says, "You said that you were going to teach me about how to live with myself, but you taught me instead that I need to defend the environment from the horrible people that are seeking to destroy it with their corporate greed. You are truly a wise and great friend, Chupacabra"
The Chupacabra looks back at Humphrey, tears welling up in his eyes. "Then I have failed, for the life not lived to excess is no life at all." Reaching into the pocket of his overcoat, he pulls out a revolver, places the barrel in his mouth and pulls the trigger. His body falls across Humphrey in the wheelchair who looks to the sky and screams, "Why God? Why?"
The End.
- Conrad Zimmerman

The 60-Year-Old, Morbidly-Depressed, Sexually-Obsessed Man (Podtoid 242: Welcome To Monkey Hell)Edit

Go to Hell, Monkey Adam! (Podtoid 242: Welcome To Monkey Hell)Edit

Willem Dafoe plays a successful real estate agent in New York who sells lots of houses, all the time, for lots of money. His boss Brendan Fraser agrees, and gives him fat stacks of cash. He attempts to sell the most expensive house in New York (at a staggering 30 groats) to Hugo Weaving.  He makes sure the house is clean beforehand using cheap immigrant labor (but he isn't evil).  However, after he invites Hugo Weaving into a world of make believe and dreams, but in housing estate terms, they find that the house is full of shit and semen everywhere. Willem Dafoe points out that it looks like an easter egg full of shit and spunk. Hugo Weaving refuses to give Willem Dafoe an hundred pounds of Microsoft's backing, which Willem needs to be a successful estate agent in New York.  Willem Dafoe, now alone in the shithouse, shakes his fist out the window and screams "GO TO HELL, MONKEY ADAM!"
Three days earlier, Willem Dafoe wakes up in bed and tells no one, "I'M BEING PURSUED BY AN EVIL MONKEY CALLED MONKEY ADAM! IT'S SOME KINDA HYBRID, I THINK. IT LOOKS A BIT LIKE DANNY DEVITO IN A MONKEY COSTUME, AND EVERY TIME I TRY TO CLEAN UP A HOUSE, IT SHITS AND SPUNKS IN IT WHEN I'M NOT LOOKIN'!"  Every day Willem Dafoe fails to sell houses to Debra Messing, Weird Al Yankovic, and the-man-who-was-the-bat Val Kilmer, and every night he dreams that Danny Devito in a monkey suit is chasing him, throwing shit and saying that "I'm Monkey Adam, and when I go to hell, I'm takin' ya with me, with all my shit and spunk!"
Finally he summons Satan (Cillian Murphy) to help him send Monkey Adam to hell. Satan Murphy then reveals that Willem Dafoe IS Monkey Adam.  Willem Dafoe suddenly has flashbacks to himself sneaking back into his own houses, shitting and spunking while screaming "I AM MONKEY ADAM FOREVER!"  Willem Dafoe realizes that he is his own worst nightmare and that he belongs in Hell, and great big monkey hands come through the floor and grab him and pull him into Hell for his sins against the real estate sins.  "You Gotta Live and Learn" plays over the end credits.

Foreign Skin (Podtoid 247: The Mayor of Fellatio Town)Edit

The Hanson Brothers minus the drummer, who has been replaced by Willem Dafoe, wake up in a room sleepy and confused, saying "Guuuuys, I think we're in foreign skin. Is this my skin, or did they replace my skin with other skin?". Willem Dafoe chimes in with "I CAN'T TELL IF THIS IS MY SKIN. IS THIS MY SKIN, BROTHERS?". It's that for 90 minutes.

Conrad Zimmerman's scrapped, yet long-teased, Willem Dafoe pitch (Podtoid 247: The Mayor of Fellatio Town)Edit

Spunky World (Podtoid 248: Jizz Soup For The Soul)Edit

It's like Water World, but instead of water it is Jonathan Holmes's semen.  Willem Dafoe is pushing a raft with a stick, saying "I CAN'T BELIEVE JONATHAN HOLMES COVERED THE WORLD IN HIS SPUNK!"

Volunteer Comedian (Podtoid 249: Cakeside Nudity)Edit

Willem Dafoe plays a volunteer entertainer at a hospital who doesn't work very hard on his material. We see one example of his work when he takes to the stage and says "YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE?  SAUSAGE!  IN MY FUCKING FACE!  HA HA HA! YUM YUM, GIMME SUM!"  He then focuses on an individual in the audience and says "YOU ER, YOU HEAR WHAT I'M SAYING THERE?  YEAH YOU, JAKE IN THE IRON LUNG THERE.  GO ON, EAT IT UP.  YOU LOVE THIS FUCKIN' SHIT."  The audience is saddened by the performance, but they tolerate it due to the lack of alternatives.

The Devil Brings French Fries (Podtoid 249: Cakeside Nudity)Edit

Die On My Dick Tonight (Podtoid 258: Dr. Dickman's Cursed Penis)Edit

See transcription
It is the far future, in the year 2013. White ooze comes from the sewers to eat people and there is an epidemic of Pineapples, a new illness where pineapples grow from people's insides, killing them.  There is no known cure.  Euthanisia is legal, but in an ironic twist the cruel government has locked all drugs used for euthanisia up in a shed orbiting the Earth which Brendan Fraser is unable to reach even with a large ladder or bricks.  Willem Dafoe plays Dr. Dickman, a guru/medical doctor/lifestyle coach who helps the depressed and the terminally ill.  After helping David Boreanaz Matt Borealis, the bloke who played Angel on TV's "Angel", to accept that he is not long for this world, Dr. Dickman explains that he was cursed as a child by the village shaman and that anyone he has sex with will die mid-coitus. "WHICH IS GOOD FOR THEM, BUT ANNOYING FOR ME." he says.  David Boreanaz is hesitant at first, but says that he will give it a try.  He sings "I Just Died On Your Dick Tonight" as he bounces up and down on Willem Dafoe, eventually falling backwards, turning green, and becoming a pile of leaves.  Dr. Dickman kisses one of the leaves and says "GOODNIGHT, SWEET PRINCE." and lets it fly off to join the others, spinning in the wind as Matt Borealis' s voice says "I'll see you in heaven!".  This happens five more times with five more patients (one of which being Sandra Bullock, who becomes a pile of marbles).  Finally, Brendan Fraser gets a long enough ladder and he is able to make it to the euthanisia shed, climbing through an ozone layer of leaves and marbles.  When he opens the door the only thing inside is Dr. Dickman, naked, with a dick as long as a horse's leg.  Willem Dafoe screams "I AM THE GOVERNMENT! I AM OBAMA! THERE ARE NO EUTHANASIA DRUGS!"  Brendan Fraser closes the door, climbs down the ladder, and says "I guess it's pineapples for me."  The film fades to black and displays an inspiring quote:
"All it takes is for one good man not to die on a dick tonight."

Cina-MAN-bun (Podtoid 261: The Artistic Integrity of Aqua )Edit

Ice Cream For Dinner (Podtoid 261: The Artistic Integrity of Aqua )Edit

The Vagina Coach (Podtoid 264)Edit

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